Always wondering. Wondering if I'm wrong for thinking something. Wondering if I'm wrong about what I think of what I think. Wondering if I'm telling myself what to think when I try to let go. Wondering if I'm wrong for what I feel. Wondering if I'm wrong for what I don't feel. Wondering if I'm wrong for what I dream. Wondering if I'm too eager to attach meaning to things. Wondering if I'm too reluctant to attach meaning to other things. Wondering if I overthink. Wondering if I think about the wrong things. Wondering if I sabotage myself. Wondering if I'm really sane.
I've been looking at the description of the schizoid personality disorder. I see a fair few matches in the clinical features, but unlike the described typical sufferer I have no interest whatsoever in drugs, alchohol, or other mind-altering substances. "Oh, that way madness lies! Let me shun that!" So why didn't I mind being given nitrous oxide when I had my wisdom teeth removed? It certainly altered my consciousness. But I could tell exactly when it started up and when it ebbed briefly an comment on it. Lucid madness. Heh. I wasn't worried before the mask went on because I didn't know exactly what to expect; that's clear enough.
I ought to go.
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