At last.

Day 18. Boy, am I stuffed. When we got off solo today I put away two thirds of my cheese block, my orange, all my cliff bars, a bowl of mashed potatoes, my chocloate, and a cinnamon bun. One of the bars was peanut butter, but I liked it anyway. I don't know whether my tastes are changing or I just didn't care. After lunch we backtracked to resupply and then hiked about a mile into Grapevine Canyon to our campsite. We'll be staying here for two days, as tomorrow is rock climbing.

Day 19. Whoa! First things first: M2 discovered the mangled--no, the shredded carcass of a coyote right behind our campsite. Reactions ranged from running off shrieking to nodding and saying, "cool" to me: I crouched over the carcass in my super-bloody shirt with my blood bandana tucked in as a napkin while N2 took a picture. He'll be sending it to me when we get back...That quesadilla was so wonderful! Felt like I was eating real food again. Climbing and rapelling were also enjoyable. My hands are grey from the rope.

Day 20. After a few hours of steep hiking, we've stopped for lunch. I am not very perky at the moment: while I was setting down my backpack my kneecap went out again. It popped back in on its own, but I could tell from the pain that this was the worst yet of the trip. It always happens when I'm putting my pack down. P2 says that if she catches me moving my pack on my own she'll beat me up. Fair enough; I have no desire to have my knee deteriorate into evac condition. But it still frustrates me, as I know I'm strong enough to handle my pack and I'm otherwise in great condition. I'll have some ineresting knuckle scars, however, and I stabbed myself on a joshua tree on the way up here. In other news, we are now on independence (read: the home stretch of AWE). After today it's just another day and a half of hiking.

Day 21. Ugh. Last night was one of the worst nights of my life. A too-tight knee wrap kept me awake and in pain well past midnight until I could remove it, and I couldn't get to sleep until almost three because it was freezing! I estimate I'm operating on three to four hours of sleep right now. We've hiked three and a half miles this morning, and there are sill several to go. The terrain should be easy, so we'll make good time. As predicted, the high/low pack contained chocolate. I ate mine this morning...Now I appear to be developing an ankle condition. Fortunately it isn't too serious, and N & K recommended just making sure my boot is tight. We've broken for lunch. Bored...Now it's evening and we are at our water refill area. We're about an hour behind schedule, and we still have two miles to hike before we reach camp. Tomorrow we have to hike eight miles to reach base camp by two-thirty. To think that AWE is almost over. I confess myself disappointed; I expected AWE to be deeply meaningful or impact my life somehow, since the seniors made it out to e that way, but all I'm taking away from this are a slightly improved physique, a dozen or two pages of journaling, and some new scars. E just suggested we skip dinner tonight to save time. I could go along with that. I just polished off my gorp and I still have food to spare.

Day 22. Independence is over. In another half hour we'll hike the last mile or so to base camp. During the morning we hiked through a narrow, smooth-walled canyon that just had to have been used in a movie at some point. At the end of this break I plan to get out my old, blood-spattered clothes with which to hike in. Here's a funny note: as we packed up this morning, for whatever reason I was thinking about how to meld Pokemon with the Mutants & Masterminds RPG system. I may have to get out my old Pokemon games when I get home. I stil remember huge amounts. It's actually a bit scary how much I remember from the old games (I stopped keeping up with Pokemon before the third generation was released).

...And that does it for my Death Valley journal. If you want to read the rest, search through my blog history. I'm too lazy to go hunting myself.

Keeps going...and going...

Solo, Day 3. WAFFLES. Right now I am terribly missing waffles. I don't even eat them that often and I miss them. Anyway, it's morning of Day 3. Some 48 hours since I last ate and I'm barely even hungry. I ought to give Survivor a shot if it's still around in five or six years. Cold. Actually, I currentlym iss all sorts of breakfast foods. Except cereal. Cereal has come in abundance over the last two weeks. I've also had oatmeal a couple of days and cream of wheat for the first time. It's pretty good once you add brown sugar. I wonder what I look like at this point. P2 said that I was getting a bit of a tan. That plus dirt plus facial hair will be interesting to see when I get back. Bit by bit the sun is creeping its way toward my position. Too slow! I need chapstick. That's better. Too cold. I'm getting back into my sleeping bag until the sun reaches me. Goodbye...Hello again. Tunes from a Maurice Sendak children's video have been playing through my head on and off for the last few days. They are highly annoying, and it must have been at least a decade since I last heard them. The human brain is a funny thing...The wind seems to be clearer today. If I recall correctly, we're supposed to arrive at base camp on Day 22. It's be Day 21 by my reckoning, as I don't count the all-day prep on March 10th, hence the label of Day 0. Today is Day 17, and I come off solo tomorrow morning, which will be Day 18. The rest of that day is rock climbing, so we have three days left of hiking. Our instructors will be staying out of the way for those days, letting us run everything. March 10th last year was the day I dislocated my knee. I'm just glad it didn't give an encore performance, as being shifted over to the High Sierras trip would tear my summer plans to pieces. It is still surprisingly cold, so I'm going to put my long underwear on now...Oh, why do I have to be fasting? I checked my mailbox just now and there was chocolate in it! One more thing to look forward to when I get off of solo...Clouds are back and the wind is picking up. The result? It is cold again. I haven't had anything to drink yet today. I shoud probably get on that...Two more things I miss: toffee and (why didn't I think of this before!?) mint. Licorice just came to mind as well. I really ought to be using this time to work on the poems I need for creative writing, but I don't feel particularly poetic at the moment. Snickerdoodles. I miss those too. Potato skins and that delicious potato cheese soup at Marie Callendar's. The potato dish I found at Trader Joe's a while ago. Apricot logs rolled in coconut. Taco Bell. Lean Pockets. Eggnog and skim milk. The dehydrated milk we have here might me skim; I can't tell. I miss the "dragon breath" sandwiches I made for myself fom time to time: the ones with pepperjack, pepperoni, garlic salt, wasabi mustard, and maybe some horseradish, all between two slices of extra sour rye. I miss french toast bread. Smoked salmon in a bagel with cream cheese and capers. I miss sushi and Chinese food. I miss the sandwiches from Subway and Quizno's. I miss that one sandwich (the Italian?) from Garlex. I even miss Togo's, and I haven't eaten there in ages. Oh, how could I forget? Greek cuisine! I miss gyros, spanakopita, and above all I miss stuffed grape leaves!...I see some weather activity on the other side of the valley. Whether it's rain or just low clouds I can't tell. I really hope it's not rain; the day is cold enough already! I miss sauerkraut and habanero cheese hot dogs. I miss California Pizza Kitchen. I miss Sweet Tomatoes and Fresh Choice, particularly their focaccia and herb biscuits, respectively. I promised myself at the beginning that I wouldn't torture myself by fantasizing about food. So much for that...Well, that's just peachy. What looks like rain on the horizon and the main rope keeping my tarp up snaps. I tied it back together, but it if breaks again I'll be out of luck, as the loose end is now used up, and that could lead to a very miserable night. At least my rain gear is--Guess what just happened. I'll give you a hint: Murphy's Law--on hand...By completely retying the ridgeline I managed to secure it again, but now my tarp is sagging almost beyond the point of useability. I am now bundled up in my rain clothing. Even if it doesn't rain I welcome the extra insulation...Things are looking up. No sign of rain and my tarp is holding together. Once again, I have been in my sleeping bag for some time to keep warm. We're into the afternoon, but it can't be very late as I see that my mailbox is still in its unchecked position. Still cold. Grr. Brownies and lemon squares. More foods that I miss. Maccaroons...Evening checkpoint has come and gone. N/K left me another rope. Yay. This one continues to hold, but it's nice to have a backup. I'm guessing that it's now around five in the afternoon. For the last, maybe a hour, bits and pieces of Aladdin have been playing through my head. I remember a surprising amount. This gets me to thinking when I get home my vegging may take the from of a Disney binge. I'll start with Aladdin, of course, and then go through The Lion King, Pocohontas (spelling?), and The Hunchback of Notre Dame in no particular order. Besides being a nostalgia trip, there can be something comforting in seeing old-fashioned cartoon animation. Not everything has to be done with computers. Also, now that I'm older I'll probably get more of the adult jokes they snuck in. The Groucho Marx reference sure went over my head the first few times I saw Aladdin. I'm still amazed K doesn't know the Marx Brothers...Just did fifty jumping jacks. Now I can't be accused of spending ALL of solo loafing around. The sun has sunk behind the mountains. It's still pretty light out, but solo is definitely nearing its end. Just the rest of this evening, sleep through the night, and then N gathers us up tomorrow morning. 72 hours without eating. Twice what I've gone before, and it wasn't hard at all. I'm still around the 60-hour mark right now, but I doubt I'll be getting up o fix any midnight snacks. Naturally, as soon as solo is over I will begin stuffing my face with the ration pack. First the block of cheese, hen the peanut butter and chocolate Cliff bar, then the chocolate my instructors left to drown out he peanut butter, then the orange, then the oatmeal-raisin bars, and I'll make the raisins my gorp for the rest of the trip. Ten and a half pages. Not too bad.

Getting old, I know

But I am determined to finish my Death Valley journal, even if it is nearly five months late!

Solo, Day 2. Here I am. Day 2 and feeling fine. Master of all I survey, so long as I only survey to the east. My tarp is right on the western edge of my territory, which might make it difficult for N & K to reach my checkpoint unseen. The sky is completely overcast right now. Hopefully it won't rain...Apparently, N & K can still sneak by just fine. I wonder why I haven't been in much of a journaling mood this morning, especially after doing more than five pages yesterday. I'm feeling alert but low on energy. I have more than a gallon of water per day available, so no worries there. Sky is clearing up over Saline Valley to the northwest, but it's still quite windy and chilly. I estimate the time to be around noon, based on the sun's position. Right now I am thinknig of all the foods I miss. I miss guacamole. I miss Mexican food covered in warm, melted cheese with refried beans on the side. Nachos. I miss barbecue sauce. I miss pizza. I miss reubens, grilled cheese, Caesar salads with anchovies, and everything else I order at Max's diner. I miss their steaming sourdough rolls I tun into mustard sandwiches. I miss dark chocolate. I miss boneless buffalo wings at Chili's and the Hot Rocks burger at Fuddrucker's. I miss fresh fruit of all kinds, especially the tart ones. I miss ice cream. I miss tortellini. I miss everything pickled. I miss spinach artichoke dip. I miss yogurt and those sweet potato fries at the Scharffenberger Cafe. I've got to stop torturing myself. I'll do something else now...I've spent the last (insert interval of time here) buried in my sleeping bag to escape the wind. Just now I dropped off the self-evaluation sheet assigned (I hate those) and tightened up the ropes on my tarp. By now the sky has grown significantly clearer. Schedule for when I return from AWE: 1. Go to Baja Fresh. Order a "dos manos" bean cheese, and carnitas burrito with a side of guacamole. Eat. 2. Go home. Restablish contact with the Venetians. 3. Take a LONG shower. 4. Eat ice cream. 5. Blog my journal [Editor's aside: 5 must have dropped to 95, eh?]. 6. Soak in the hot tub. 7. Eat the most delicious thing I can think of at the time. 8. VEG OUT. 8 1/2. Sleep in late. 9. Find someone to talk to. 10. Go to Max's and eat some more...This tarp may serve for shade and rain protection, but it's not good as a wind shield. I get up and walk around for a couple minutes, come back, and my sleeping bag, sleeping pad, and ground cloth are all blowing away. We're definitely into the afternoon by now...Early evening. Still gonig strong in the fasting department. Sky is almost completely cloudless, but the wind is ever-present...Second and last checkpoint of the day accounted for. I must admit that my instructors are good at sneaking. The sky has begun to dim noticeably. I expect I'll retreat into my sleeping bag soon, so good night.

Maybe I will finish transcribing tomorrow.

Back to Death Valley journaling

Day 11. "Nine little Indians sat up very late. One overslept himself and then there were eight." This was hammering itself into my brain this morning when I looked at my watch and realized that we (there are currently nine of us) had overslept ourselves. Fortunately, nobody else is gone (yet). Last night, while setting up camp, we were treated to fireworks in the form of a distant lightning storm. Very impressive flashes. On the other hand, the wind practically kicked up a sandstorm during dinner (miso soup). BITTERSWEET NEWS ALERT: E is slated to return to us this evening, but M is gone. Now we return to--never mind. Breakfast...As I was saying, this morning we packed our tarps to the tune of a downpour, and the mountains aheads of us are snow-capped. I thought this was a desert!...A bet is on regarding E's arrival time. If he gets here by 4:59:45, I win. The prize is TBA. Things are a bit slow right now, so I'm going to see how interesting conversation is on the other side of camp...Ha! I win! The others started saying that the prize would be N's underwear, which I then spun into a tale about one of my guilty pleasures being dipping freshly-cleaned sets of underwear in chocolate and sucking it out. We played some more rounds of a game where you draw a random M&M from a bag and share a personal piece of information based on the M&M's color. I drew red (your ideal date), which pleased everyone else, but I remained cryptic. S said that I look "hella different; it's scary" the other day. I want a full-size mirror! For solo I want to do something I'd never do otherwise, but what?

Day 12. Today I wrote up several alternate verses for Strident's version of "hush, little baby." I've also started work on a poem based on The Pillowman. All our hiking today has been and will be uphill. Grr. Solo is in three days. I have a hole in my pants, which is rather unfortunate as these are the only pants I have.

Day 13. We are stopping to have lunch ad refresh our water supply. We'll also be losing E2 until tomorrow as he smashed his knee yesterday evening. We're up at joshua tree elevation again, but there are also evergreens of some kind. I hope the girls strike up some interesting conversations today as the guys' conversations come in various shades of dull...Mmmm, chocolate. *drool* Yeah, we've been carrying around some chocolate that was divvied up just now. There's also the matter of the mysterious "High/Low Pack" that we have yet to open. Actually, it's not all that mysterious: we're all sure that it's chocolate, and it smells that way too. Two days until solo. We still have many miles to hike today...Funny moment: all of us walking in circles among the joshua trees, searching for the trowel that E2 lost. Speaking of E2, his knee injury has made it necessary to take an alternate route to solo. The going is flatter, but it's also a few miles longer, so I expect some late nights and early mornings. Oh, well.

Day 14. Solo is tomorrow! Unfortunately, we still have to hike nine to twelve miles today. We may be allowed to see some of our mail before solo. I hope that is the case, as I really want to know if I should spend the time working on lines...Lunch break. We'll be playing another guessing game, this time assigning ideal animals to ourselves. I'd be a dragonfly.

It's almost eleven, so I ought to hit the hay, but first a bare-bones life catch-up.

• I have lines to memorize this weekend.
• I saw Man & Superman on Wednesday. I also saw Ratatoullie, which was good, but not worth the rave reviews it apparently recieved.
• This afternoon I introduced Lilly (which would you prefer, Tam, Lilly, or Strident?) to Les Miserables.
• L. Peter Callendar is a god.
• I have begun taking voice lessons. Must remember to practice tomorrow, as I didn't get any in today!

If I have time (I think I will), I'll post my writings from solo. Those three days alone make up nearly half my journal! I wrote an average of three and a half pages per day!

Death Valley: Poetry

WARNING: Extreme levels of desert-induced morbidity ahead!

I wrote this on our first fully day of hiking.

Fall asleep by a cliff and wake up dead
When a too-loose rock tumbles down on your head.
On bile, on blood, or on worse you might gag
When a rattlesnake bites you in your sleeping bag.
Forget the routine and a foot you will lose
When you don't shake that scorpion out of your shoes.
You'll know you're in danger of dying of thirst
When your head feels as though it is going to burst.
Collapse, burn, or just go insane
When the heat bakes its way right through to your brain.
Paralysis stems from your poor, broken back
When your legs give out and you're crushed by you pack.
You think you're saves, but life grinds to a halt
When that water you find has far too much salt.
A surprise twist ends your last living day
When a flash flood sweeps in and sweeps you away.
A lightning storm hits and you watch for a flash
When--too late!--you body is blasted to ash.
You'll run for the road, whispered prayers on your breath
When you see why it's known as the valley of Death.

This poem started out about a series of nosebleeds and mutated into what it is now.

Rivers of blood, blood all around
Blood on my shoes and pooling on the ground
Blood from the mouth and blood from the eyes
A stench that attracts many thousands of flies
Blood on my pants and blood on my shirt
Stains that glisten with each renewed spurt
Pouring until it obscures an trace
Of expression upon the agonized face
Blood from the chest until I scream, "Why
Does this boy bleed so much when I can't make him die?"

Thinking of Sweet Charity on top of a mountain...

There's gotta be some land tamer than this
There's gotta be some path better to take
And when I find me some kind of path I can take
I'm gonna get up
I'm gonna get out
I'm gonna get up, get out, and take it

On top of Ubehebe peak...

On the peak
What we seek
Tarnished metal box
Holding years
Of smiles and tears
Fumbling with the locks
Open wide
And inside
Papers to the brim
Sorting through
Planning to
Read, peruse, or skim
Others shout
Pull some out
With their names addressed
None for me
Though I be
Happy for the rest
Write I will
Leave until
I mingle with the past
On this day
I am on A.
W. E. at last

Around day 13 or 14 I got to thinking about Strident/Tam's version of, "Hush, Little Baby." Verses in a similar vein popped into my head.

Hush little baby, hold my hand
Don't worry about the nightmare land

Hush little baby, let me dry
The tears from your one remaining eye

Hush little baby, listen well
Just try to forget this brand new hell

Hush little baby, try to bear
You fate for nobody's going to care

Hush little baby, take your rest
Before a knife lands in your breast

Hush little baby, just the same
Even though they'll cast you into flame

Hush little baby, save your breath
Crying won't delay your painful death

Hush little baby, don't ask why
This will be your final lullaby

This poem was based on The Pillowman. I never got the fifth couplet to work out as well as I hoped. Oh, well.

My brother, you know best of all just why I'm not so bright:
for seven years your loving parents tortured me each night.
At times the line 'twixt real and false can slip beyond my ken,
So why are you surprised I made the little apple men?
It took so long to add the hidden razor blades she ate.
My dedication can you not at least appreciate?
And what about the little boy whose foot I chopped in two?
You'd ask the same if even the Pied Piper came for you.
The little Jesus took so long, but it was worth the sweat
To see your words come true at last: I'm ever in their debt.
I'm honoring your stories in the only way I can:
They are the single reason I refused the Pillowman.
If you had never written them be sure that I'd be dead.
I owe my life to all these bloody harvests from your head.
So that I've explained, Katurian, do you see why
I'm not to blame for children that your stories caused to die?