Lately I've been thinking about my identity. Who I am, who I've been, and who I may not want to be anymore. For instance, the Behind-the-Commons Crew. Now that Bedlam, Musical, and Spade have graduated, it's a very different place. We've lost the "intellectual hippie" side and gone over to the "computer geek sophomores" side. I've spent the first two months of school there still, but I can't ignore that it's no longer...for lack of a better adjective, it's no longer Venetian. And it's not just the others. When I'm with the Venetians/Riotous Knights, I'm Peter the Progress, but behind the Commons I feel as though I'm still Peter the Disconcerting. It's not a good feeling. Which is the more "real" me? Have I tried to move on while remaining hooked in my old self through force of habit, or am I still the same person as I've been for ages and only pretend to have changed?
Who am I!? A couple of weeks ago, Spivey arrived just behind me at rehearsal. Our conversation was as follows:
Me: Hello.
Spivey: Oh, shoot, are we supposed to be in character already?
Me: No. Did I convey that impression?
Spivey: Yes.
Me: How? I didn't even stutter.
Spivey: Oh, sorry. I think it has something to do with the fact that even when you're not on stage, half the time you're acting anyway.
This has been gnawing at me since.
Even before this exchange, the possibility has crossed my mind that I'm acting more often than I want. So I deny it. My emotions do seem to have freer rein when the stage is involved. If I do wear the theatre mask too much in real life, it becomes a simple matter to jump to the possibility that I use people. (Lantern: ...and that doesn't mean riding roughshod over other people. You're not Richard III.) Was that what she was talking about?
Oh, let me not be mad.
Which reminds me: impulses. When you see something, you you're doing something, your brain will inevitably point out a potential course of action which is absurd at best (You know, you could stand up and shout, "Hey, Romeo! DIE ALREADY!" Nobody would be able to stop you.) and psychotic at worst (The way his leg is stretched out right now, I bet you could stomp on it hard enough to break it). This happens to everyone, I'm sure, but the part of my brain that comes up with these seems to be on overdrive. Time and time again I have to respond, "I could, but I have no cause!" Or find a way to shut it up for as long as I can. There certainly remains a line between thinking and doing, but it can be tempting to feel out that line. To get as clooooose to it as possible without crossing.
*exits DSR*
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1 comment:
Like I told you the other day, I also have a big problem with acting in real life. To me, it seems like my personality is just a very well developed character, and I'm just the actor underneath it, not really portraying the way I actually feel. But then, how do I really feel? Do I even have a personality of my own? Who am I?
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