First, I would like to state for the record that I have to mentally juggle lines for seven different characters in four different plays right now. Moving on.
I want to break the pattern of daily life report, so after lunch today I wrote a 15-minute stream of consciousness. If something seems wrong, odd, or utterly nonsensical, such can be the nature of a stream of consciousness.
The starting point: Apathy
I often wonder if I am too apathetic. Maybe "apathetic" is not quite the right word for it. Howeverso I wonder if I feel too little emotion. I have noticed that I don't laugh as easily as some. When watching something amusing with friends or family, when they laugh out loud I do not. I get the jokes, I can appreciate them, but I do not laugh. Similarly, it is not easy for me to find moments of great emotion in my memories. My drama teacher keeps telling me I need to draw on a moment that does this or that for me: my response is always a shrug accompanied by some variation of, "I'll try." Stakes. That's another thing that comes up in acting a lot. Whether a situation is high-stakes or low. Maybe I just don't see life as a high-stakes situation. Maybe it's just a teenage thing. But then, my other teenage friends show plenty of emotion. One, I believe I've said to his face that he laughs too easily. Then again, easy words from one who may laugh too little. Stakes. Obviously life has some stakes, because I've never seriously contemplated suicide. A bird in the hand s worth two, one, or possibly zero in the bush. There's so much I would miss out on. So I really do care, somewhat. But then why do I not feel emotion as much as those around me? Perhaps I do but am afraid to admit it? That is not a good thing, to deny emotion, especially if you act, because so much of acting is being able to reveal yourself. Reminds me of those intense improv scenes. Over the summer, with the Venetians. I didn't like those either. I mean, I did like them, but I didn't like myself in them. It never felt right. Maybe I just need to let myself go more. But now we come back to the possibility that I simply don't have much to let go. I hope I'm wrong. To be a shell like that would be horrible.
Well, some of what I wrote shows that I do care. Now I need to prove it with my life.
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2 comments:
Sometimes it's really hard to find something in your life, or your past that is powerful enough to make you really feel emotion. I know I have that problem a lot. Most of the time when I act I'm simply drawing on emotions that are "fake" I like to get angry when I act, because I am almost never angry in real life. It isn't an emotion I use very often eccept when I act. So therefore I really have no idea if my "projection" of anger is correct at all. Revealing is a LOT harder but a LOT more powerful. For instance if you have to cry in a play projection simply doesn't work. You have to reveal, and for that you have to actualy feel the emotion.
I don't have many memories that are very powerful to me now. At least, I don't think they would help me act so, what I do in substitute, is make a possible, or inevitable event as real as I can in my mind, and then just stay with the emotion. For instence, today in acting class we played a game where we had to not smile no matter what. I myself laugh easily, so it was really chalenging for me, so I brought up the thought of my mom dying. I made it as real as possible, and I didn't smile. It feels terrible, but nobody said acting was easy.
Concerning you not having very much emotion... Personally I envy you a bit. Teens usualy have their hormones flying around haywire causing all sorts of crazy feelings. I could really do without that. Although actualy I really don't find you that unemotional. Don't worry about it too much. Someone who could do a performance like you did RS can't be nearly as unemotional as all that.
Wow, that was a long comment! Gee, get me going on acting and I just never stop...
Very true.
Peter, I don't think that you're apathetic. I think you just keep your cool more easily than most. It's not a bad thing, but it does give you a bit of a challenge in terms of acting.
We often don't have experiences like the characters we play. That's where imagination comes in, and openess. As actors we have to be willing to tap into any part of ouselves, to feel anything.
It can be fucking SCARY, but it's part of why I do it. You learn to experience every bit of human nature, you know? I'm there for the stories.
So, (if I may be so bold)why do YOU act, Peter?
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